It's been awhile since I posted anything hearty. My brain couldn't push my fingers to do it. But I figured I owe it to you all to keep you updated. Plus, its somewhat soothing being able to share my experiences with you all. In March I found my personal life in a tailspin, with each situation snowballing down the steepest hill. I found myself confronted with many new and lingering issues. Everything was all a shock, I had never gone through anything like this before. Going through a break up is apart of life and love. Experiencing a break-up is inevitable. They happen! Some are easier than others and some are crippling. Of course, because I am who I am, my break up is one capable of crippling me in every way. I say this not because I believe I have bad luck but because things never come easy for me. I believe that because I am such a strong person God understands that I can bear the difficulties or pain in a situation a little bit better than my peers or family. In this case, instead of my counterpart experiencing the emotional havoc and prolonging limbo of our relationship, I have been dealt this burden. Gee, thanks!
Initially, I lived like a damn zombie for the first 3 weeks. Everything about me became unrecognizable. My spirit was broken, my drive deleted, my weight dropped significantly, my appetite was lost and insomnia became my best friend. The only place I longed to be was in bed in the dark. And that's what I did. But you see, that's what I DON'T DO! I have never let a person or situation get the best of me. Not to the point of affecting my entire life. For the most part I'm a dame who can take a punch just as easily as dealing one out. I can take neglience and mistreatement with a grain of salt. But there was something about this situation that found a weakness deeply rooted in me.
Because of my undying and persistant love/respect for this person I won't disclose the exact events that have taken place within the last 2 months. What I will say is that I have discovered a connection between this episode of abandonment to that of the abadonment I have felt from my father. My father is great and everything I want to be, but the rocky relatonship we had during my teen years still affects me to this day. There were many times where I felt unsure about what kind of bond I had with him and if it even mattered. In short, my daddy issues had crossed over to my personal life. And there I was, crippled by TWO men. You may be thinking: "Tia, you shouldn't be depending on male companionship to fulfill you". Right, I shouldn't and I'm damn sure I don't. But throughout this process I also discovered that it was this very mindset (that I adopted from my mother due to her marriage with my father) that contributed to the snowball factor of my personal life. I had jaded myself into believing that I would always be pushed to the side. So I built walls for protection, which ended up being everything that kept me busy: dance, school, internships,work etc.
The plethora of emotions I've experienced is what has really baffled me.
Within one month I lost my boyfriend, dance and opened a can of emotionally hidden issues. So you can imagine this has all been really interesting. I've felt manipulated, used, resentful, sullen, bitter, happy, sad, numb, cynical, hateful, rebellious, independent, dependent, patient, impatient, stressed,hopeful, optimistic and pessimistic. There's so much more, but frankly, you wouldn't want to know. What has surprised me most is the person I am becoming through the trauma. Even if things don't work out, I'm a better person for MYSELF. My loved ones know that by nature that I am an altruistic person. I can't help but put others concerns and happiness before me. They still tell me not to worry the other person and just continue to do me. Well, that's impossible to do when you're still in love. I can't just wipe my hands clean as quickly as I desire but what I have done is put myself first in my own reconstruction. This to me, is the best gift I have ever given myself. Not once have I lost my temper or given up. I have a new found perseverance, patience and optimism. I was already made from a different mold but with each obstacle god has given me it seems I become even more indestructable.
Some days I'm good and some days I'm in a FUCK THE WORLD type of mood.
But for the most part I'm keeping it positive, and for that I'm proud of myself. I earned the right to be proud of myself because for awhile I hated what I had allowed to happen. Disappointment within yourself is bar none the most hurtful emotion to feel. I'm my biggest fan, how can I let ME down?
When I decided to flip this motherfucker around to do a U-turn is when I learned the real value of love for someone else as well as your inner self.
Love is forgiveness.
Love is patience.
Love is fragile yet oddly indestructible.
Love requires a fight.
Love is a non-stop effort.
Love is accepting.
Love is un-selfish.
Love is resilient.
Love is so many things, but it should never be abused. Never treat someone unfairly expecting them to continuously stay the same and always be there. Although love can be many wonderful things, the person who loves you can grow tired of what you are abusing, pack their stuff and leave. One thing that love ISN'T is promised. Remembering this will take you far.
XOXO,
Tia
