Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Trying times

dead end road.. where will i end up now

Lately, I haven't felt like myself. I'm always tired and all I want to do is sleep and be alone. The hustle and bustle of the world is too much for me, at least right now. I've been very skeptical of people and flat out just not up for a lot of things. This is not like me. I am by all means not a "sugary-smiley" person. But I do love laugh and have fun. I also consistently challenge myself and maintain a level head, even if I carry doubts within my self. I know that my life is beautiful as well as the people in it and that it should not be taken for granted. Something has not been right with me. Maybe I'm burned out or maybe my future is fowarding too quickly for my taste. There is nothing I can specifically trigger this funk to. All I can say is that it is everything. Everything bothers me. It bothers me to the point that I carry no reaction to anything, I'm just numb. This feeling, this funk that I'm in is very scary because I feel as though I have lost myself somehow, I can't trust people, I can't relax, it won't let me be. I didn't notice I was sad until my technique instructor observed me perform a piece of choreography. She said my piece made her remember how vulnerable she was to the world at my age. All I could do was cry because I didn't realize that I had put my own emotions into the piece. I've been so busy my mind hasn't caught up with my body. This is the first time this has happened to me since I was 13. But it was different then, I knew what was affecting me. I spoke to my father last night. He has always been a big help. My Dad is one of those amazing people who have made a neverending list of screw ups but won't deny discussing them. That's how amazing he is, he continually tries to better himself and doesn't believe he is above anyone. My father believes that I put WAY to much pressure on myself. He is right. I try to please everyone and be everything to them. This is dangerous because it is literally impossible. You can't please everyone. I can't weigh my self worth on the opinions of others. It has literally driven me crazy because if I don not live up to a perfect standard I consider myself a failure. By writing my issue to you all, I have basically pin-pointed the source. In my perspective I have been lacklustre to my peers and co-workers/team mates, therefore I'm no good. I've just been slowly spiraling down within th past few weeks. My body is suffering as well. But whatever this is I will get through it. If anyone can say one thing about me, it's that I am a fighter. Not in a physical since, more figurative. I don't give up, not easily at least. I've faced many challenges and hard times and you know what? I've conquered them all! I am not weak, dumb, untalented or average. I know this but lose sight of it way too much sometimes. Because of this I will be doing things that make ME happy at least once a day instead of once a month or whenever. You should all do the same. If you love yourself, show it! You are all you got, no one has your back like you do. Remember that. Everyone is a shining star at something, you've just got to find it and believe it. Don't give up because I won't.

Something that keeps me a little motivated...I can't lie. I love Christina for this song.

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